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My sources say they're a bit tasty on the counter-attack though, which has got Joe-Cole-caught-in-possession written all over it. I'm not here to pick players or formations, because, to be honest, I don't know nuffink about that." David Beckham categorically denies those rumours about his dressing room influence. Old Mother Hubbard went to her inbox to get some tittersome mail... because all you buggers are at the pub, aren't you?

England have looked dangerous from set-pieces and should try that again today - Paraguay haven't got much height, and their keeper looks permanently like David Seaman flapping at a Ronaldinho lob. "Evryn'ssshgotfflagnthrcar, isshgreat" - England legend Freddie Flintoff is live on the BBC, absolutely leathered. Name check Without wanting to sound too much like a mid-90s dj on a pirate happy hardcore station, I have to send a big shaat aat to Chris Johnson, who's following the match from a US Army Space and Missile Defence Command ballistic missile testing range.

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I'm just digging up team news etc, but it looks like Steven Gerrard will play.

The day is upon us, and the BBC have assembled their crack team of pundits, Alan Hansen, Alan Shearzzzz and Ian effing Wright, for the occasion.

Right, these 'ere south Americans I've been trying to find out a bit about Paraguay, what with having to write this commentary and all. oh, insert your own obvious gag here), but haven't quite hit the mind-numbing level of tedious trivia that makes Motty Motty.